You’d behave nice! Do small talk! You’d help others! Most of us are told and taught these lines right from the childhood, but without the quantum or the caveats. Now either due to these early lessons or due to our inherent behaviour, some of us tend to behave ‘nice’ instinctively.
We go an extra mile for just anybody and everybody. We feel it’s our duty to help others, sometimes without even being asked for it. Yeah that’s how naive we are sometimes. We never say ‘no’, even if it’s not what we want. The word ‘no’ is somehow associated with negativity in our minds and we try to avoid that at all costs, without even realizing it most of the times. We take ownership of things we were never supposed to. You can witness this in the fact that how uncomfortable you feel on just saying no to a telecaller.
And more than the fact that we’re always available, awkward is our justification to self for doing this.
“They needed my help”
“It’d have been rude to deny help”
“I believe in karma, it’ll come back”
“So what if I was taken advantage of, I did what I thought to be right”
“The world needs more kindness, what will happen if everyone becomes selfish”
All of us have felt as times at that we’re taken advantage of due to our empathy or the willingness to help and still when someone asks for help again, we jump at it and go overboard. This line of action harms us in ways we have no knowledge of, at least for some time. Try to understand that some people are reluctant to bear the grunt and you’re not at all bound any moral values, ethics or anything to do their work from them. You can show the path but you can’t and shouldn’t walk it for them. If you’re the one taking bullets for peers almost every time, don’t be surprised if they start stepping back voluntarily in every battle; who doesn’t like the safety or the cushion?
Stop being this.
Putting yourself at last might be the teaching you’ve received right from childhood and one of your core beliefs but that might mostly result in people using that habit to get their work done and then walk all over you. Learn saying ‘No’, without explaining the reason for it. It’d be hard at beginning, but it’ll surely be worth it. Put yourself first, and that’s very different from being unreasonably selfish. Be ready to disown things as easily as you own them, if they don’t seem right.
Don’t let your empathy be taken as your weakness which could be exploited easily. Empathy, though considered as a good virtue and a good keyword in your resume, has the power to create your image as a person who’d do anything for others, even if it’s unreasonable. The world won’t stop without your help and the forts won’t be brought down without you taking the bullets but you’ll surely have some peace in your own world and that matters.
And all of this doesn’t mean that you totally stop helping others and start being the person you hate. Be reasonable, try to learn who really needs help and who is just trying to escape from grunt; and by helping the latter, you’re just helping them to abuse you. Respect your own limits and help only those who genuinely need it.
There will be very less number of people who will be able to connect with this but if you do, beware my friend. You’re going down a very dangerous path. The feeling of being taken for granted doesn’t go away easily and acts as oxygen to the iron, rusting and ruining it slowly. Take care of yourself first.
Vishal Sahjani 